Clearing the Air
You know the feeling of having your life plan play out exactly how you thought, and wanted it to? Sweet me neither. Pick your most recent ‘big idea’ plan and let’s use it as an example. Go ahead I’ll wait … … … (take some more time if you need it). Alright, so you’re thinking about the plan. And, how did it go for you (not the thinking, the plan!)? If you’re looking smug because it went perfectly, please for the love of God send me your mojo because I need it (and I despise you — okay I’m kidding about that part).
You know, life has a humorous (in hindsight) way of creating space for us. Let me say this a different way. Life creates new space for us even if we aren’t ready. This ‘life space’ can take the form of virtually anything; a breakup, a letter congratulating you for getting into a school, Covid19, or having the grocery store be completely out of pepperoni Digiorno pizza (you’re on my shit list Town & Country and no I don’t want Red Baron, Tony’s or CPK).
What follows is a story about accepting freedom from our skillset, and how it may create space to pursue ambition. I hope you come along for the ride.
Day 1 — 11:32 am
After two days worth of driving East on the 90, Elly (my old Chevy Colorado) made it to Glacier National Park. Let me tell you something and clear the air here. There is something forceful about this place. And, as a visitor, one can quickly become overwhelmed. There are so many locations to experience. So, how does one choose? Sometimes, the road lends clues. In this case, it was a drive up a winding, bending and sometimes frightening drive along Going to the Sun road. After spending roughly 90 minutes attempting to find parking, the hike relieved many things: stiff legs yes, but it was the relief of emotion that won the day. I’ll let the photos do that statement justice.
Day 1 — 6:32 pm
After getting out-posed by a mountain goat, and experiencing emotional relief, we made the trek back down into one of the main villages. It was at this point where the road led us to one of the major lakes on the southwest corner of the park. Clarity comes in many forms doesn’t it? We touched on it a bit earlier, but man … this lake … this view … this stillness. In a way, it might be a touch too literal. But, when we’re going through the mud — that is, when we’re really going through it — I think we can start searching for signs a little bit. We get desperate. Let me explain and I think it will make sense. We look externally for any possible hint as to what our next move should be. We ask everyone we trust for advice or say things like, ‘Give me a sign that everything is going to be okay.’ We desperately search for validation outside of ourselves for direction out of fear and shame. We refuse our internal compass in favor of approval outside of ourselves. And when I sat there, in awe of what I had in front of me, I was saying those things. I was searching outside of myself for direction. I wasn’t brave enough to choose my next step.
Day 2 — 5:33 am
The following morning felt anew. Inching closer to acceptance, we had an inspired breakfast at a sketchy pull-out along one of those archaic winding roads. If you live in a region where you can sit in stillness as the sun creeps up and kisses a mountain peak, by God go out and do it. Will you freeze? Oh fuck yea you will. But, fleece up and you’ll be rewarded for your sleep sacrifice. We don’t set aside enough moments to sit in stillness anymore. So go and do it, and share your experience.
Day 2 — 10:33 am
Once the blood returned to the extremities, the next course had to be a glacier hike. I know you’ve felt fatigued in your life. But, have you ever had hiking fatigue? We’re talking straight up loss of motor control. Grinding, halting, dizzy-ing, mother-***ing low end-tidal CO2 type of hiking fatigue? Trust me it’s great. On occasion, you may have heard me mutter, ‘You can’t rush greatness.’ If not, now you have. The point is - is that those step-by-step (oh baby) increments in your progress to whatever end destination you have for yourself matter. These steps can be crippling, yes. But when you are rewarded with the space to dedicate to that ethereal, that altitudinal space life has created for you … man you just gotta go.
And as I inched up this gd trail, white-knuckling my hiking poles and thrusting them into the earth beneath me, I let out quite a few audible ‘mother effers.’ At one point, a marmot peeped and joyously sprinted up the mountain in front of me as if to say, ‘you got this you old ****. Come on let’s go!’ Well eff you too, Marmot, but I hear you. So, as I started recruiting even my eye muscles to grind up this hill while feeling my soul leave my body, we pressed forward. Because THAT IS WHAT YOU DO when you want something. When you really want something, you don’t half ass it. You don’t reach one foot out into the ocean while staying grounded on the sand like that Pelican meme. You don’t ask others for permission for your life. Are you kidding? You brave up and you inch. And you know what happens after that? You get rewarded and the right people, and the right opportunities begin to reveal themselves.
Day 2 — 8:14 pm
Exhausted, we doubled back miles to an open valley in Missoula, MT. If you have yet to visit, there is a reason Big Sky is a nickname. It really does feel larger. Expansive. Vast. A clear head and a clear heart make for a clear vision. Setting up camp for the night was different this evening. It was the best and brightest of the trip. It was fueled with happiness, direction and clarity (and mosquito repellent).
By simple logic, one cannot commit themselves fully to two separate careers — as I have done for the better part of four years now. It is not possible. You will mentally, physically and spiritually be pulled in opposite directions and you will crumble. I am crumbling. I am allowing my skillset to dictate what I am doing and where I’m going. The trouble is - is that this skillset is pulling me apart. I have been following my external compass, external success and external motivators.
It just may be time to flip my arms in the air, say, ‘fuck it’ and full send ‘this thing.’ During this trip, I scrambled up mountains, was laughed at/encouraged by marmots and was able to breathe and recenter a bit. I learned to not be a prisoner of my skillset. Just because we are good at something does not mean we are born to be that something. Instead, we can use our skills as a means to pursue our truest and most authentic ambitions.
This coffee idea is still stirring inside me. Dare I say … brewing? You’re welcome. I am done searching externally for validation of my ideas. We must refuse the obstacles we encounter as we learn to express and commit to our deepest, most authentic and vulnerable wishes to bring ourselves closer to one another. For me, it is the intersection of coffee and adventure. And for you? I cannot wait to learn about your ambition.
I challenge you to reflect and identify your driving nature. What really gets you going? This is different than what you are good at. What, when brought up, puts the most ridiculous grin on your face? Then, commit to doing more of THAT.
It took me a while. 39 years to be exact. But ambition does not have an expiration date. Just find your unique way to identify it. And if you’re looking for a place to experience that clarity? Travel to a destination with no light pollution, set up camp, look up, and look in. You just might be surprised with what you see.
